from RNC Guide to Dealing with Republican Delegates
During the Republican National Convention
by Aaron Spiewak
you’re reading this, you’re probably girding yourself for
the “invasion” of Manhattan by Republicans. Well, stop your
worrying, silly bones! President George W. Bush himself promises this
“invasion” will be nothing like the one he’s most famous
for, and the Administration gives you their “Scout’s honor”
that there will be no murdering of innocent civilians, placing American
soldiers in harm’s way, torturing of prisoners, strafing of public
services, or ignoring Presidential Daily Briefs concerning attacks inside
the United States while we’re here. Been there, done that, know
what we’re saying? We here at the RNC recognize that we are your
guests, and will do our best to make sure that nothing horrible will befall
you for the entire duration of the convention.
President’s popularity in New York skyrocketing (nearly 36% of the
state would vote for him if the election was held today!), you can count
on the funds originally promised for the rebuilding of Manhattan being
used for some awesome parties! And guess what? You’re invited, New
Now we recognize
that if you lived in New York during September 11, you may not take kindly
to the Republican Party coming into town to dance on the graves of your
family, friends and neighbors. But just remember: the Republican delegates
are people just like you, but without a sense of humor!
So here are
some friendly tips for dealing with your fellow Americans while they visit
you in your great city:
1. Do not
“egg” or “tip over” the red double-decker tour
buses. You don’t know they are filled with delegates. Besides,
the yolk is terrible for the paint, and there will probably be some
Scandinavian tourists inside. What did the Scandinavians ever do to
you? The answer is nothing: they are very sweet, like Barbara Bush (the
mother and the daughter).
2. If a
delegate asks for directions to ‘Gran Zerah’, this means
they want directions to the former site of the World Trade Center. It
would be great if you didn’t punch them in the mid- to lower groin
area when they ask, or send them to East New York. ‘kay?
do not add your “special sauce” to a delegate’s food
or drink. Even if it is one part cayenne pepper. Your “addition”
will do nothing but reflect poorly on New York’s vibrant restaurant
scene, even though we will spend most of our time at Olive Garden, Mickey
D’s and that crazy restaurant that makes you think you’re
4. If you
have been impregnated by mistake or against your will, just keep the
baby! Come on, how many times are the Republicans in town?
5. If approached
for OxyContin, do not give the delegates your drug dealer’s pager
number. Just because Rush liked it doesn’t mean it’s for
6. If you’re
homosexual, think about staying inside during the convention! You know
how uncomfortable you make us. And if you do have to leave, don’t
try to convert us!
carry any signs that equate Bush with Hitler. That’s a ridiculous
comparison, and you’ll lose all credibility. While admittedly
not as powerful of a statement, you could compare him with Queen Isabella
the Catholic, of Spain. Or, if you’re looking for someone more
8. It would
be better if you didn’t poke the delegates with sticks, or use
them as targets for any sort of practice.
bring up Enron; it still hurts. The delegates know people who were sent
to jail because of what happened there. Those are families that will
be torn apart for the better part of a year.
blame the delegates for the world hating America. They’re voting
for Bush, not electing him. That’s for the Supreme Court to take
So if you’re
a New Yorker and are not looking forward to our visit, then just think
of it as a chance for the City to make money; that’s not carte blanche
to mug us, you filthy Puerto Ricans! Hey, just kidding! We’re looking
forward to celebrating our candidate, and the complete polarization of
our country…with you!
Spiewak lives in Manhattan. His work has appeared in Ducts, and onstage
at the People's Improv Theater. He is currently working on a self-help manual
for Republicans, tentatively titled "Who Moved My WMDs?"
2004 Little Commie LLC