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Excerpts from RNC Guide to Dealing with Republican Delegates
During the Republican National Convention
by Aaron Spiewak

Hello! If you’re reading this, you’re probably girding yourself for the “invasion” of Manhattan by Republicans. Well, stop your worrying, silly bones! President George W. Bush himself promises this “invasion” will be nothing like the one he’s most famous for, and the Administration gives you their “Scout’s honor” that there will be no murdering of innocent civilians, placing American soldiers in harm’s way, torturing of prisoners, strafing of public services, or ignoring Presidential Daily Briefs concerning attacks inside the United States while we’re here. Been there, done that, know what we’re saying? We here at the RNC recognize that we are your guests, and will do our best to make sure that nothing horrible will befall you for the entire duration of the convention.

With the President’s popularity in New York skyrocketing (nearly 36% of the state would vote for him if the election was held today!), you can count on the funds originally promised for the rebuilding of Manhattan being used for some awesome parties! And guess what? You’re invited, New York!

Now we recognize that if you lived in New York during September 11, you may not take kindly to the Republican Party coming into town to dance on the graves of your family, friends and neighbors. But just remember: the Republican delegates are people just like you, but without a sense of humor!

So here are some friendly tips for dealing with your fellow Americans while they visit you in your great city:

1. Do not “egg” or “tip over” the red double-decker tour buses. You don’t know they are filled with delegates. Besides, the yolk is terrible for the paint, and there will probably be some Scandinavian tourists inside. What did the Scandinavians ever do to you? The answer is nothing: they are very sweet, like Barbara Bush (the mother and the daughter).

2. If a delegate asks for directions to ‘Gran Zerah’, this means they want directions to the former site of the World Trade Center. It would be great if you didn’t punch them in the mid- to lower groin area when they ask, or send them to East New York. ‘kay?

3. Please do not add your “special sauce” to a delegate’s food or drink. Even if it is one part cayenne pepper. Your “addition” will do nothing but reflect poorly on New York’s vibrant restaurant scene, even though we will spend most of our time at Olive Garden, Mickey D’s and that crazy restaurant that makes you think you’re on Mars!

4. If you have been impregnated by mistake or against your will, just keep the baby! Come on, how many times are the Republicans in town?

5. If approached for OxyContin, do not give the delegates your drug dealer’s pager number. Just because Rush liked it doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.

6. If you’re homosexual, think about staying inside during the convention! You know how uncomfortable you make us. And if you do have to leave, don’t try to convert us!

7. Don’t carry any signs that equate Bush with Hitler. That’s a ridiculous comparison, and you’ll lose all credibility. While admittedly not as powerful of a statement, you could compare him with Queen Isabella the Catholic, of Spain. Or, if you’re looking for someone more contemporary, Omorosa.

8. It would be better if you didn’t poke the delegates with sticks, or use them as targets for any sort of practice.

9. Don’t bring up Enron; it still hurts. The delegates know people who were sent to jail because of what happened there. Those are families that will be torn apart for the better part of a year.

10. Don’t blame the delegates for the world hating America. They’re voting for Bush, not electing him. That’s for the Supreme Court to take care of.

So if you’re a New Yorker and are not looking forward to our visit, then just think of it as a chance for the City to make money; that’s not carte blanche to mug us, you filthy Puerto Ricans! Hey, just kidding! We’re looking forward to celebrating our candidate, and the complete polarization of our country…with you!

Aaron Spiewak lives in Manhattan. His work has appeared in Ducts, and onstage at the People's Improv Theater. He is currently working on a self-help manual for Republicans, tentatively titled "Who Moved My WMDs?"

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