Night at the Movies
Ever go see a movie with another guy friend? Ever argue about which movie you're going to see while you’re in line and about which person will pay because he just paid for dinner so you want to treat him to the movie? Ever forget where you are and argue a little too loudly and in a playful way? Ever continue spatting about it as you buy the ticket and walk into the theater to find a seat?
Ever pause briefly in your argument to take off your coats and during the pause realize that you have given the outward appearance that you are in fact homosexual and out on a date? Ever have that initial coat-taking-off pause last longer because of this realization?
Never? Not once?
Ever point out to your friend that people must think that we’re on a date, and have him agree, and you both have a good laugh, but your mind’s not really on the conversation because you’re making absolutely sure in your head that you’re not attracted to your friend like that?
Ever visualize some sort of mandatory explicit scene you’d have to be in with this friend and decide that Good Lord there’s no way I can be homosexual because then that would have to seem remotely appealing and as it is now it seems about as appealing as a railroad spike through my gallbladder? Ever feel relieved that you’ve now just tested your sexuality and have decided that you are the sexuality you thought you were and have spent so much time working on?
Ever turn to see what your friend is doing and notice he’s still in the visualization phase? And then does this ever make you return to the visualization phase and decide that the visualization now seems as appealing as a railroad spike through the small intestine rather than the gallbladder?
Ever see a girl sit down three rows over? Ever decide that you must now hit on this girl, armed with your new confidence in your sexual orientation? Ever announce this confidently to your friend, but he doesn’t hear you because he seems to be horrifically stuck in the visualization phase and is now in the fetal position and crying? Ever decide to deal with him later so as to continue the quest to hit on this girl? Ever walk out of your row confidently, saying, “excuse me” with great movie star like enunciation? Ever walk over to her row feeling like a million bucks, feeling like you’re the most irresistible sonuvabitch ever to walk on two legs?
Ever have the house lights go down as you’re halfway across the row?
Ever trip over someone’s foot and step on it, forcing them to scream and drop their Coke, then you fall into to Coke, slip around in it a bit, then as you get up have them spill the popcorn and it sticks to you because of the Coke, such that you’re covered with popcorn and Coke like tar and feathers and the girl you were going to hit on has seen this whole affair and is none too happy because you’re completely interrupting the preview which happens to star her favorite actor (how could you have known, but there it is)?
Ever have that happen? Ever decide to then join your friend still stuck in the fetal position on the floor of the cold movie theater and hold each other, whimpering? Ever have to have security remove the two of you and throw you out on the street? Ever make a pact with your friend to forget this night and never discuss it again? Did he ever agree wholeheartedly?
Porter Mason is a cartoonist and UCB improviser who lives in NY and maintains the humor website http://www.tjmonkeys.com . His comics appeared in this issue.