table of contents

art culture politics music humor

number 6


Close Your Eyes and Say “I Believe...I Believe!”
by Adam McKay

Faith is being abused of late. The notion of sanctity has been de-sanctified. Unity is starting to become a real hazard, not to mention the bad music it usually comes with. And pride has had some problems for a long time but now it’s just friggin’ dangerous.

What happened to these magical states? They can be pretty wonderful when used in the right way. Having faith in the mystery of life can give one perspective and wisdom and usually means one's apartment smells of incense which is always nice no matter how cynical or new age phobic one is. Respecting the sanctity of others’ religions can be really considerate and can cut down on car bombs. Hell, some people even say Wrigley Field is sacred which is sweet in a Bob Costas and the wonder of a child's eyes kind of way. And Unity gave us things like, well, unions, which got us the 40-hour work-week and Saturdays off and even something as frivolous as a living wage.

I could even go further and say that faith is the bond that holds civilization together. Having faith and believing that loving others leads to a better world is an essential step towards community that has given us doorman buildings and Whole Foods not to mention the moon landing and telephones and medicine.

But shit, lately faith and unity and all that stuff are being used to get us to buy into some pretty big shams.

Bush’s faith in his white Texas Jesus has lead to unnecessary wars and the elimination of stem cell research. His call for unity and pride have made it impossible to raise a dissenting voice without being viewed as Un-American. Even Linda Ronstadt got booed recently for saying Michael Moore is a patriot. So now it’s rabble-rousing to say you like someone who some consider to be rabble-rousers. What's next? Will Gordon Lightfoot be booed off stage because he says he likes Ronstadt's version of It's so Easy? If I watch the movie FM, which I think Linda Ronstadt is in, am I supporting her and thusly supporting Michael Moore and thusly supporting Al Qaeda and thusly supporting Satan?

It’s as though a large portion of our country thinks that if we all huddle together and just believe then everything will be all right. Guess what, that only works at a rave.

The same group denial is going on with corporations like Enron and Tyco. Employees who tried to raise a red flag by saying such radical things as "Hey, we're bankrupt" or "Stop spending ten thousand dollars on shower curtains and charging it to the company" were labeled as malcontents or fired. They showed little faith in the leadership and were a threat to the unity of the company. And then one day everything wasn’t fine. Not in a subjective, maybe it's fine maybe it's not fine kind of way. I mean, it was in fact not fine. Enron collapsed and then Martha Stewart went to jail. I'm not sure what the connection was but it seemed to make everyone feel better.

In baseball it is a massive given that many, many players are on steroids or have used growth hormones (just look for the players with heads like sleestaks). Yet when you turn on the news they cover Bonds' homeruns like we're watching The Natural. And the Player's Association won't even let the most minimally effective testing take place. Shhh! Everything is fine.

Just pretend it's not happening. Believe. Believe.

Lance Armstrong is the subject of a book in France accusing him or should I say j'accuse-ing him of doping. Now, because we’re Americans we must assume this is sour grapes. Or lightly crushed sour grapes turned into a fine Merlot and served with medallions of pheasant.

Shhh. Just stay together and believe.

Now I know that all of this eye closing and head turning away-ing is systemic. After all, if the sports channels fully recognize that many of the great baseball players are cheating then what will they do? Will they wipe out records? Did the last ten years not count? How will they fill the airtime?

And in this time of worldwide anti-Americanism are we to come forward and admit that our great champion Lance Armstrong is cheating?

Well.... yes!

And then after we've dealt with these very real problems we can even go ahead and send Martha Stewart to jail if we want.

What's really happening is what's really happening. Even if someone gets away with something there's always, always an effect. And not a you go to hell effect, although in Dick Cheney's case let's hope that's true. But a Newtonian cause and effect, action-reaction effect.

So when the press and the talk shows and the papers and the people all act like we don't have a bunch of lying crooks in office who are looting the government and bankrupting the country not to mention starting wars based on hyped paper-thin evidence, all the faith and unity in the world won't matter. Because they are. Looting and starting bogus wars that is.

The rest of the world and forty percent of the country knows it. And I think deep down inside even the people who are still supporting these former CEOs who call themselves public servants know it. They just don't want it to be true. And so they don't want anyone to talk about it. Kind of like dinner at a repressed Catholic family's home. But guess what? No matter how much we pretend Jason isn't gay or Kimberly isn't snorting Vivarin to make grades or that Mom and Dad have had sex in the last two years; he is, she is and they haven't.

It sucks but that's the way it is. To pretend it’s not the case makes it so, so much worse. Like walking on a broken foot while insisting that it’s just a sprain. "My foot isn't broken! I’m perfect and strong!" you say. Any Doctor will tell you, "just admit it and get it fixed, you weirdo."

So please if by some chance in hell a person who is voting for Bush has picked up this magazine "just admit it and then get it fixed, you weirdo."

Adam McKay is a writer for film and television such as Saturday Night Live, Michael Moore’s The Awful Truth, and Anchor Man: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, which he also directed. He has also performed at the Second City in Chicago as well as being a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade.

Pipe Up! Main pageLittle Commie Home

© 2004 Little Commie LLC About Email Message Board