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number 5

A Stock Market Update

By Porter Mason

Today we look at the happenings in the market. The stock market, not the grocery market. The happenings at the grocery market can be summed up by saying: some people sold groceries to other people. Not that thrilling.

But stocks! Hoo boy! Well, stocks are an exciting part of the American dream! Even though most Americans can’t distinguish a share from a dividend from a kick in the pants. By most Americans here, I mean me.

But I’ve done some research, and I’ve read some books, and I’ve studied some quotes. The research, books, and quotes had little to do with stocks, but I got faith, and as George Michael said, “You gotta have faith.” He also said, “Sometimes the clothes do not make the man.” Yeah. Think about it. And I now present to you The Porter Mason Stock Market Update!

Helium stocks are up. Manic-depressive stocks are down, then up. Hip-hop stocks are “down” but up. Tech stocks, while technically up, are actually down. Rock prices are holding steady.

Cattle futures are down, mainly due to the fact that most cattle don’t have much of a future. Pork futures are hog-wild; chicken futures are running with their heads cut off; and science fiction futures usually involve robots.

Lead trading was heavy; feather trading was light. 70’s slang trading was “heavy” but light. Baseball card trading was popular in sixth grade; fur trading was popular in the 18th century.

Gymnast stocks split. Banana stocks split. Pea stocks split and made soup. Investors didn’t cry when stocks of milk spilt but didn’t split, and stilt stocks split when they were slit by a spike. Spike Lee took stock of all that shit and split.

Two major defense contractors merged, sending their stock skyrocketing. Two lanes on a major highway merged, sending several commuters’ tempers skyrocketing. Two major idiots attempted to have sex while skyrocketing by strapping makeshift jet engines to their backs; they also “merged”. It will be a joint funeral and a closed casket. One closed casket.

And so, there was quite a bit of action down on Wall Street today, though very few people on Wall Street got any action. Except the skyrocketers. And they’re dead. Some reacted to this lack of action by calling it reactionary, but this is just claptrap: inactions speak louder than words, and every action has an equal and opposite reaction. In related news, my shoes are old and have no traction.

That’s all for now; happy trading! ...!

Porter Mason has been writing and maintaining the humor website (on which this essay originally appeared) for almost three years now. He lived in New York, but recently moved to Virginia Beach to pursue cartooning.

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