art culture politics music humor

issue 1.1

Lay on Ground, Light Fuse, Run Away!

By DeWitt

The news is out Worms is getting married. Annie, she's wonderful, a fine girl of Irish extraction from the West Bronx. It all started with a blind date. A mutual friend Jack Boner is banging some Hispanic honey he met at work. Well, you know how it is, what one friend has another wants. So it's only natural that her girlfriend wants a little machine gun action too. Jack would set up his long time buddy Worms. Jack knows that Worms is an old-school gentleman. Worms is of fine Italian stock, growing up in the Morris park section of the Bronx, one of the last of the Italian stronghold neighborhoods. Worms has old-fashioned Italian charm and sophistication. He can take an Irish white trash honey places she's never been before, like a fine Italian restaurant where they serve Chianti with a cork. It's not that Boner is not a gentleman in his own right, but he's just looking for a ride. Jack introduces Annie to Worms.

She's beautiful. Let's get a look at her. Red fuck-me pumps, tight acid washed jeans, a pale complexion, big teeth, and ruby red lips that match her shoes. A guy can really get a woody working with that kind of style. It's wonderful, they really hit it off smashingly. Worms dazzles her with his wit. He's learned a thing or two from his messiah Okokbobs. Methods of seduction that he has witnessed on many occasions. Let's be brutally frank here, it's not like he needed more than a forty of Crazy Horse to win her heart, but he's got more style than that. Boner suggests that they go to the Crab Shanty on City Island for a nice seafood dinner, knowing it's a stone's throw from the Whitestone Motor Inn, a good place to work the sheets with his lovely date. It's not that Boner's in love, he just has to get his freak on. She has no illusions of love either, at least not this night.

It doesn't take long, there's some magic happening at dinner. Annie looks deep in Worms' eyes, he looks back with that stupid bucktooth grin, "Annie, you're like no other women I've ever met."

Of course she's not like any other women Worms has met. Well, he never met another women that he didn't have to pay for. Speaking of pay for, back in the day Worms, Jack, and a character called Bong would have "plop" parties. What you may ask is a plop party? Well, let's just say the fellas would chip in and get a cheap motel room and a cheap whore and take turns doing the freaky deaky. It was always a lot of fun. The legendary tomfoolery, the camaraderie, they were all connecting on a higher level. Bong was charming, an interesting character, with a good mouthpiece, you know, the gift of gab. With a novel technique: he would always masturbate before his turn for maximum value, momma didn't raise no fool boy. There was always the recap, which your narrator was always privy to. I would marvel to their tales of sexual games and gymnastics. An interesting fact was that Worms would usually perform oral on the lady of the evening. Very gallant, considering he was usually last to go. Now that's a real gentleman. I think he did it out of the true love of oral sex, not the fact that he has a very small penis. At one of their gala events of love the whore told Jack Boner that she felt sorry for Worms with that little stick of his and just couldn't take the full fee with a clear conscience. Honor among whores, now that's quite refreshing.

As time would go on the boys would trade in their plop parties for high-priced massage joints. It's wonderful to see the human spirit evolve to higher levels. Now the boys would each get their own girl, not three on one, now one on one. The famed chopsticks on Fifth Ave. in lower Manhattan was the destination of many a late night excursion. Lovely Asian goddesses. It was a bit more pricey, but quality is usually worth it. A sauna, a real shiatsu massage, and a good boinking. These are some real class guys. It was not uncommon for one friend to treat another when one of them would come into a score or good fortune. Just good friends sharing their love for each other by sharing love with each other. It was a wonderful bond, which kept them close for many years. But like most friendships some eventually do slip away. At this point Bong was in the evil grasp of a gambling obsession, but surprisingly that is not what ended the parties. It was love.

Back to the table where the seeds of love are being planted. Annie is quite impressed with Worms' highbrow class. Look, he knows the difference between a salad fork and a dinner fork. Unfortunately, that is something that Annie had no experience with, but she could learn. Worms could teach her. The West Bronx was no longer an environment where fine white curtain Irish could fully evolve. The day of the gilded shillelagh was over. The West Bronx, now predominately working class Hispanic and black, was not the area where Annie could meet a man of wealth and taste like Worms. But different worlds collide in uncanny ways. Annie just ended a long-time romance with Ambroise, a fine working class black man. They had their problems like any other couple. Their problems did not stem from the obvious interracial dating thing. It was not a family thing either, on the contrary, the family loved Ambroise with all their hearts and Ambroise loved them.

It was Annie, she had greater expectations for her life. Unfortunately Ambroise had a blue-collar job, and although their love was strong Annie felt it could not take them where she wanted to be. Annie worked for a large insurance company, trying to work her way from the bottom to the top of the corporate structure. Ambroise worked for a trucking company as a driver. In Annie's mind he could only go so far. But Worms, on the other hand, a businessman and the manager of a big time rock band, well whole new ball game. Was it love in her eyes or dollar signs? Who cares at this see Annie had dreams of kids, two cars, a dog, and a three-bedroom home in Scarsdale. No more subway to lower Manhattan, but Metro-North. She would gaze from her tenement window fantasying of riding the Metro-North, thinking one day this will be me. A guy like Worms had the potential to make all her dreams come true. She'd think to herself, handsome, intelligent, funny, balding, and unlimited earning power. Wow, what a total package, it really can be love. Worms is smitten, too. Red fuck-me pumps, acid washed jeans, those red lips, wow my dick's getting hard.

The lovestruck couple are in their own world as Boner and his fuck buddy giggle and look on in sheer delight. It's a wonderful thing when you bring two hearts together. Tiramisu is brought to the table for desert. Worms spoons some of the sweet creamy substance into Annie's wanting mouth. Those red lips, the creamy substance, Worms' mind drifts to a sexual place where he is the dessert.

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