Special 2004 Election Collectors' Issue
I EAT TERRORISM
AND SHIT AMERICA
This article is an excerpt from Ethan Kaye’s recent speech given before the American Association of Quaker Martial Artists in July of 2004
Let’s not mince words, friends. Politics is all about sex these days.
I’m not afraid to stand in front of you fine people and admit this fact, while, in truth many people wouldn’t touch this with a ten foot pole. But we have to be honest. Politics is all about sex appeal. And who you want to touch in the pants.
Take, for example, John Edwards, the fine man campaigning now to be Vice President of our nation. John Edwards comes from the same state as myself - North Carolina - and let me be the man to tell you that North Carolina is head over heels in love with John Edwards. That man is pretty. As a heterosexual man I have no qualms in admitting that he has a very pretty mouth and nice hair. You know it, I know it, North Carolina knows it. In fact, I would be surprised if any Raleigh or Charlotte denizens would pass up the opportunity to touch him in the pants.
Now, you fine people may not be familiar with how handsome John Edwards is. Let me put it in perspective. If John Edwards were a building, he would be Wrigley Field. If Dick Cheney were a building he would be the crumbling, impotent Coliseum in Rome. You don’t want to be intimate with the Coliseum; no, there is a good chance it would crumble on you and let you down at the end of the night. You would, however, want to be intimate with Wrigley Field. You wouldn’t kick Wrigley Field out of bed for eating crackers. You would probably even vote for Wrigley Field. Vote Wrigley Field right into high office and not tell on it if it touched you in the pants behind the auxiliary gym.
Yes, this is what you should want to do.
I am often asked about my views on certain subjects. What is your stance on homelessness? What are your thoughts on the Bill of Rights? Why do you carry that photograph of Tony Danza around with you? To answer that last question first, Tony Danza is a very handsome man. If he were to run for office I would surely do my part to vote him in based on his handsomeness. When it comes to looks, Tony Danza is the boss. <pause for applause> This is also my answer for the first two questions as well.
While I was watching the Democratic primary, I saw John Edwards’s parents in the crowd. In fact, they were shown many times during the course of his speech. I did not find them very attractive people, but that is just another testimony to John Edwards; he rose from average looks to be very good-looking. John Kerry, not as much so, but I still would touch John Kerry in the pants, given that the lights were off and I thought he were someone else. I would be comfortable with this. And you, as voters, should be as well.
In summation, I would like to re-state my key points: John Edwards is handsome. Dick Cheney is crumbly. Pants will be touched.
Ethan Kaye is an improviser, writer, and actor working out of Durham, North Carolina.