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Special 2004 Election Collectors' Issue
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table of contents |
Special 2004 Election Collectors' Issue |
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THE
LAST VOTE
INT. A DARK CAVERNOUS UNDERGROUND STRUCTURE - DAY OR NIGHT
MUSIC: ABSTRACT CELLO
The room we find ourselves in is a giant man made cavern that
is covered in black stone. Almost like or maybe even exactly
like a missile silo. Its size is hard to determine because
of a lack of light.
In the center of the floor we see the outline of a large
overweight elderly man in the shadows. He is washing himself
with a sponge that he occasionally draws from a bucket.
He turns his face into the little light there is and we see
that it is Dick Cheney.
DICK CHENEY
Hrmmf...What the fuck do you want?
(listens to the unseen
speaker)
Hey. Don't call me Mr. Vice
President, that makes me sound like
that Al Gore faggot or some other
loser government lifer. Call me Mr.
Cheney. I'm a private citizen first
and foremost. If you don't believe
me check my bank account. Heh, he,
heh.
MUSIC: HAS BEEN FADING OUT
CHENEY
(a bit more listening)
Right. Right. Well that's all fine
and dandy but I told you not to
bother me with election results
until they're final. Uh-huh. Well
that's the whole thing isn't it?
When are they really ever final?
Well here's a good rule of thumb.
They're final when we win. Heh,
heh, heh. Shut up. Only I can laugh
at that joke. It's at your expense
and you're too stupid to know it.
(sponges himself but can't
reach his lower back
side)
Hey. Come over here soldier. I need
you to sponge my haunches. I can't
reach em... Come on. What are you
waiting for? Don't be a pussy.
What's that? You're afraid? Alright
then. Looks like I'll have dirty
haunches. Hope you're happy.
The leader of your country has
dirty haunches. Now what the hell
do you want? Spit it out?
(Cheney listens)
A tie huh? Well then get some of
the late overseas military ballots
counted. That did the trick last
time. And if those faggot Dems
complain hit the press with how
they're depriving our soldiers of
their right to vote.
(beat of listening)
You already did that? Good God. How
long have I been down here?
Really...It feels like ten minutes.
They say the older you get the less
each day means to you because its a
smaller and smaller fraction of
your life. How's that for a massive
fuck you? But you know what slows
everything down again to a pre
pubescent crawl: power. Hand me
that hypodermic needle.
Cheney takes the needle from the soldier and injects it into
his hip.
CHENEY
Arhhhhh!!! Sweet Mary's
tits...that's nice... uhhhh...So
have we shut the polls down and
declared martial law. Uh-huh.
Powell huh? Well fuck Powell. Oh
that's right we already did. Heh,
heh, heh. You don't laugh!!!
(quarter beat)
Well then let's call Data-Vote and
have them erase some of the
computer votes... right, right.
Wow. Record turn outs. I can't
believe Soros actually got those
filthy monkeys to come out. Where
the hell is Rove? In Florida? That
crafty son of a bitch. I bet he's
dumping votes as we speak. So what
the hell do you want from me? Why
the hell are you interrupting my
sponge bath soldier?
(listens)
Sweet Jesus. One voter? Why didn't
you say that right away? Shut up.
How the hell did this happen? Do we
know if she's one of us? Does she
have corporate ties.
Is she one of those Jesus freaks?
No? Dammit. Well who the hell is
this flip floppy bitch?
(listens for a quarter
beat)
Glendis Jeffminton? Well let's make
sure this cunt stays in her house.
You hear me!! There's no way we're
letting this shriveled little road
apple pick the next President of
the United States, yah dig?
He stands revealing his full nakedness, though truth be told
he is so without shame or sexuality that the impression is
more of someone in a big flesh colored robe with a little
penis attached.
CHENEY
Tell Randell to fire up the
chopper. Dick's coming out of the
hole.
Smash cut to:
EXT. SMALL LOWER MIDDLE CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD IN FLORIDA - NIGHT
MUSIC: WE'RE AN AMERICAN BAND BY GRAND FUNK RAILROAD
We see an overhead shot of press and military helicopters
flying over one particular house in a crappy suburb of
Orlando. The choppers dip and rise like seagulls over a land
fill.
We can also see that a crowd of thousands has gathered around
the house.
Cut TO:
EXT. LOWER MIDDLE CLASS RANCH HOME - NIGHT
We angle on one little house with a flaking pink flamingo
mailbox with the name "Jeffminton" on it. The lawn features
patches of dead grass and a dozen eroding newspapers. It is
surrounded by literally thousands of press, police, National
Guardsmen and even a tank.
There is a line of reporters that goes on as far as the eye
can see down the street. We hear snippets of each of them.
Reporter
Apparently the woman has not left
her house in six years...
Reporter #2
...local churches bring her food
and medical care...
Reporter #3
...she registered to vote during
the Nixon-Kennedy election and has
not voted since...
Rep0rter #4
...as it stands now every
registered voter in the state has
voted...
Reporter #5
....that's Right, a 100 percent
turn out...
RepORTER #6
Or to be more precise a 99.99999
percent turn out. And the election
is completely tied.
Reporter #7
Every other state is decided and
once again it's all down to Florida.
ReporTER #8
Or more precisely: it's all down to
the vote of Glendis Jeffminton.
HOLES ARE GRAPHICALLY PUNCHED INTO THE IMAGE OF THE HOUSE
THAT SLOWLY FORM THE TITLE....
THE LAST VOTE or HOW GLANDIS
JEFFMINTON FINALLY LEFT HER
HOUSE
EXT. MS. JEFFMINTON'S FRONT LAWN - CONTINUOUS
We see there is a van in front of the house and
representatives from ACT are there trying to get the unseen
last voter to come out.
Rep from act
Please Ms. Jeffminton, Glendis. The
van is running.
Just come out and we can have you
to the polls and home me in ten
minutes.
Quickly MS. GLENDIS Jeffminton, 64, peaks out her window.
Glendis Jeffminton
Go away!!!
There is a murmuring in the crowd as a powerful older
gentleman pushes through the police. It is James Baker.
James baker
Out of my way... I'm James
Baker...move please...I'm James
Baker.
He produces a bullhorn.
James BAKER
Ms.Jeff-berg!
An ASSISTANT, 31 to James Baker leans in and whispers in his
ear.
James BAKER
What's that? It's not Jeff-berg?
Well thank God. We've still got a
chance.
(back to the bullhorn)
Ms. Jeffminton! I am former
Secretary of State James Baker!
Please listen to me. You do not
have to vote if you do not want to.
In fact, we are prepared to offer
you free premium cable if you chose
not to-
Two LAWYERS are all over Baker.
Lawyers
We can't do that...constitutionally
speaking...blah, blah
James Baker
Okay Ms. Jeffminton, scratch the
free cable. But we can promise you
that you will be viewed as a hero
by at least 47.5 percent of the
country including Bruce Willis, the
star of the Die Hard movies and
Steven Baldwin, actor and club
owner.
Ms. Jeffminton leans out her window.
Ms. Jeffminton
Get off my lawn! I want to be left
alone! And stop preempting
Hollywood Squares!!
An ATF AGENT turns to an FBI AGENT.
ATF AGENT
God dammit, I want Hollywood
Squares back on the air asap!
James BAKER
That's right Ms. Jeffminton. You do
not have to vote! Let's let the
Federal Supreme Court decide this
just the way the Constitution says!
(and then to his
assistant)
Let's make sure no agitators get
through the perimeter to coerce
her. I want this woman's right to
not vote protected.
INT. MS. GLANDIS JEFFMINTON'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
We see Ms. Jeffminton peaking out her window and then
returning to her chair and TV tray. She has an aged poodle
sitting on the floor next to her.
Ms jeffminton
Ooh, I don't know why they won't
just leave Mr. Boobles.
Her house is immaculate but also kind of musty and strange
with too many porcelain figurines and plastic on the couch.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
I never should have let Pete
convince me to register. He was
always so impetuous before he
stopped drinking.
POODLE
Ruff!
MS. JEFFMINTON
Now you settle down Mister!
(and then)
Let's see if any of our programs
are on.
She turns on the TV and flips through the channels. Every
channel has a shot of her flipping through the channels. We
hear snippets of the NEWS ANCHORS as she changes stations.
News anchor
We have a live shot of her watching
TV-
News ANCHOR #2
She may be a lesbian-
News anchor #3
Her husband had several affairs-
News anchor #4
We're joined by an expert on shut-
ins who own poodles.
She turns off the TV.
MS. JEFFMINTON
What in Great Caesar's kingdom is a
"lesbian." I have half a mind to
turn the hose on these people.
The dog
Ruff!
She's peaking out the window.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Go on! Get! Ssss! Leave! I don't
want to be bothered!
The phone rings. Ms. Jeffminton answers it.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
Hello?
Voice
Mom?
We got split screen between her son DAVID, 34, who is in his
office surrounded by a crowd watching coverage of his Mom on
the phone with her son David.
David
Mom, it's me David.
MS. JEFFMINTON
David. I'm frightened. They have a
tank and all of the TV programs are
replaced by the news like when
Clinton flew those planes into
those Jewish buildings.
David
Clinton didn't- Listen Mom. It's
okay. They're not going to hurt
you. All you have to do is go vote.
It'll take ten minutes.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
But what if I do it wrong? This one
man with nice hair and yellow teeth
told me that my vote would be the
one that decides.
David
Choose who you want Mom. That's the
way it works. But I do have to tell
you...
(he lowers his voice)
...that the CEO of my company said
he will buy us an island if you
vote for Bush. A goddamn island.
Just consider it Mom, okay?
Ms. JEFFMINTON
David... I don't want an
island...Oh my God, I just realized
this is the first time we've spoken
in three years. How are you? How is
Paula?
David
We're split up. Look, I gotta go. I
don't wanna miss what you do next
on the TV. Take care and remember:
Bush equals an island.
He hangs up. She looks at an old family photo of a little boy
dressed up as a cowboy with a machine gun riding the back of
an Older Man who's holding a beer with his eyes caught closed
in mid picture flash.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Oh David... what happened? How did
you get so mean and so selfish. We
were never selfish.
We rationed when we went to war and
we volunteered at all the
neighborhood associations. But
David just wants and wants... I'm
sure it's my fault. I just wish I
knew how.
Her dogs begins barking at the front door.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Oh! Who's there?!
She opens the door a crack and its James Carville.
James Carville
M'am, James Carville here. May I
have a moment of your time? The
polls close in forty minutes and-
She closes the door and takes a series of quick deep breaths.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Mr. Boobles. I need guidance.
Divine guidance.
MUSIC: OLD TRUMPET MUSIC FROM THE 20'S
We see CU SHOTS of her hands grabbing hummels, photos and
knick knacks from shelves.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - THREE MINUTES LATER
Ms. Jeffminton has set up some hummel figurines of a German
Boy and Girl, a black and white photo of her deceased husband
in his WW II Navy uniform, a plaster of paris Jesus on a
crucifix, and an old cracked decorative plate with a picture
of George Washington on it in a circle around her on the
floor of her bedroom.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
Please...I'm very, very afraid...
and sometimes when I'm on the wrong
medication or having night terrors
you will speak to me...well now I
need you...Should I vote? And if
so, for who?
The HUMMELS step forward and speak eloquently in pipsqueak-
ish German accents.
GERMAN BOY HUMMEL
Glandis, vee all have a
responsibility to participate in
our vorld. When we void that
responsibility we have alveady
begun too die. You must vote as a
choice for life.
GERMAN GIRL HUMMEL
Franz is far more optimistic than
I. Our natural state is von of
chaos and competition for
resources. City states and gangs
are the shapes vee are meant to
take. History affirms this over and
over again. Voting is nothing more
than a sentimental and naive
ritual: beautiful in its
obsolescence but ultimately
meaningless.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
Ooh.
Her HUSBAND in the black and white photo becomes animated and
speaks.
HUSBAND
My dearest Glandis, first off I'm
sorry you to had to hear about my
past affairs from FOX News.
Ms. JEFFMINTON
Oh Pete. I miss you so damn much.
And your hand full of sins didn't
mean a thing to me compared to your
heart full of love. I just wish you
could have kicked the drinking.
HUSBAND
You always were my angel. Now
here's the thing: the eyes of the
world are upon you Glandis. That
happens to maybe fifty people a
century. Make a statement. Cast a
write in vote for "Love" or vote
for "Truth."
Ms. JEFFMINTON
Or maybe this Ralph Nader fellow.
Husband
No, that's not a statement vote,
that's just stupid. But you must
vote and you must vote for a higher
truth that can make a change not
for four years but for a thousand.
He blows her a kiss and steps back.
Ms. JeffMINTON
Jesus, do you have any advice for
me?
Jesus steps off the mini-crucifix and stretches his back.
Jesus
Ahh, that feels good. Now I'm sorry
to disappoint you but I don't get
involved in politics. It would be
like me having an opinion on
decorating your home or which
mechanic to use. But I do believe
that you must vote. It's like
brushing your teeth. It's a part of
being alive on this planet and to
not do it is to neglect your
earthly obligations which is a sin.
But I cannot give you guidance on
who to vote for. In fact, I don't
even know who the choices are.
MS. JEFFMINTON
It's John Kerry and George W. Bush.
Jesus
What? Oh forget what I just said,
vote for Kerry. That's glaringly
obvious.
Jesus get back up on the crucifix.
Cut TO:
EXT. FRONT LAWN - SAME TIME
We see that the crowd has tripled in size and that now
PROTESTORS have joined the mix.
A NATIONAL GUARDSMAN is speaking to his SUPERIOR OFFICER
NATIONAL GUARDSMAN
We've got paid protestors sent from
the RNC surrounding the perimeter
and a bunch of activists from ACT
and Move On moving in from the
east.
SUPERIOR OFFICER
Have the men load rubber bullets
and let's hope this old lady makes
a decision soon. We've got reports
coming out of Washington that
Delaware is talking about
succeeding from the Union if this
election goes to the courts.
NATIONAL GUARDSMAN
My wife just called from Ohio and
she says Cincinatti is ready to
attack Youngstown.
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
MUSIC: A SLOW TUNE BY THE STAN KENTON BAND
Ms. Jeffminton is still huddled on the floor with her knick
knacks and her dog.
Ms. Jeffminton
I feel like I must hear from our
first President. General Washington
what do you feel I should do?
The face of GEORGE WASHINGTON becomes animated on the plate
as he speaks in a gruff yet powerful voice.
George washington
I would first like to comment with
all due respect to you Ma'am, that
it does my soul ill to see the
democracy that my peers and I so
meticulously crafted reduced to a
crazy woman talking to yard sale
junk on her bedroom floor.
German boy hummel
Hey! Be respectful to the lady. She
is nice and keeps us clean.
George WASHINGTON
But I also must encourage you to
vote. It's that simple.
Just go vote. And then you can go
back to just being a weird lady who
talks to her Hummels. That's the
way it's supposed to work. Regular
people do their duty when called
upon and then go back to being
regular people. So stop this
nonsense and go get in the van.
Ms. Jeffminton
I must admit I expected a more
gentlemanly tone from you General
Washington.
George WASHINGTON
I was a soldier. I killed people
and saw men burned alive. I owned
slaves. I'm a so-so guy at best but
I understand the function of
government and am smart enough to
realize I'm just a man.
Ms. JeffmintoN
Alright then. Mr. Boobles, would
you like to add anything.
She looks to her scruffy dog.
Mr. Boobles
I don't think so. It seems like
whenever people talk to their dogs
they turn out to be serial killers.
You're more "eccentric crazy" than
"crazy" crazy.
EXT. OVERHEAD SHOT OF THE HOUSE - ONE MINUTE LATER
The air is still filled with helicopters. The crowd is now in
the hundreds of thousands.
Reporters are fighting for the best position in front of the
mayhem.
REPORTER
I've just been told that-
Another Reporter hits him in the head with a Garden Gnome.
Reporter #2
This is my spot!!!
(composes himself)
Apparently the voting board has
brought down a ballot for Ms.
Jeffminton to fill out on the spot
if she so chooses.
Yet another Reporter comes along and brains the previous
Reporter with one of those fake rocks you hide your keys in.
Reporter #2
Ow! What the hell?
It has no effect because its one of those fake rocks you hide
you keys in.
EXT. MS. JEFFMINTON'S FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Suddenly the front door swings open. The crowd hushes. After
a half beat Ms. Jeffminton's dog runs out the door.
Dog
Ruff!
Crowd
(startled)
Ahh!
Reporters
(in an important whisper)
It's her dog...that's not her...a
small poodle or terrier...
Finally Ms. Jeffminton steps into the doorway. She is wearing
an old pea green coat and a white pill box hat. She clutches
her purse tightly and nervously takes a breath.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Why hello... I'm Glandis
Jeffminton. And I'd like to vote.
Armed police, copters, national guardsmen, protestors, press
and onlookers answer only with their presence.
Ms. Jeffminton
Please excuse my state. I wasn't
aware that I would be going out
today.
She walks gingerly down the pathway towards the tank where a
VOTING OFFICIAL shows her to her ballot.
Voting official
Do you have identification?
Ms. Jeffminton
Yes, I do.
Ms. Jeffminton searches through her purse.
QUICK CUTS TO PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD WATCHING THIS HAPPEN ON
TV: A FAMILY IN EGYPT, TONY BLAIR IN HIS OFFICE, CROWDED
TIMES SQUARE, W BUSH AND HIS TEAM IN THE OVAL OFFICE, JOHN
KERRY AND EDWARDS IN A HOTEL ROOM IN OHIO.
MS. JEFFMINTON
Here it is.
She hands her passport to the Voting Official.
VOTING OFFICIAL
And here is your ballot.
She leans in to make her selection but then stops.
MS. JEFFMINTON
May I have some privacy?
VOTING OFFICIAL
Uh...I'm not sure...
Before we know it five heavily armed NAVY SEALS surround the
strange old lady with their backs facing her.
After a moment we hear her small voice emerge from the circle
of professional soldiers.
Ms. JeffMINTON
I'm done!
The Voting Official takes the ballot and seals it in an
envelope.
VOICE FROM THE CROWD
Hey! Who'd she vote for?!
Other voices
Yeah! Who'd she choose?... Who's
the President?
VOTING OFFICIAL
I'm sorry. That is confidential
information.
Close Up of a sticker being put on Ms. Jeffminton's Jacket
lapel: "I VOTED TODAY!" with a smiley face on it.
MUSIC: WHEN THE BUG HITS BY VIC CHESNUT
Slowly Ms. Jeffminton makes her way back into her house.
The crowd begins dispersing.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MS. JEFFMINTON'S LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
Ms. Jeffminton is eating some tuna salad on lettuce while her
dog eats a biscuit. They are watching JAG. Glandis has the
slightest hint of a smile on her face.
OUT.
Adam McKay is a writer for film and television such as Saturday Night Live, Michael Moore’s The Awful Truth, and Anchor Man: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, which he also directed. He has also performed at the Second City in Chicago as well as being a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade. This piece, along with a one-act by Shira Piven, was read by Will Ferrell, Kate Walsh, and others at the Actor’s Gang Theater in LA.
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