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Waterlogged

by Adam McKay

We have transcended diplomacy
Shattered politeness
And sodomized wit.
We have taken decency by the hand
And forced its open palm
Onto a hot grill.
Yee-ouch!
As for wisdom, didn’t you hear?
We kicked that fucker in the head.
Hard.

Now cue the pornographic marching band
We’ll eat orange food
Under fluorescent lights
Celebration!

The noise would wake anyone up.

The blood is on the floor.
The spotlight flashes past the yellow snarling teeth
For just a moment.

It is time for civilized humans to grab the hose
And spray the rats out of the barn.
Like a sleepy-eyed Irish sheep herder
Who really doesn’t want to move
Put down your pipe
And pull your feet away from the warm peat.
Turn down the World Cup match on the radio.
Wrap the muffler round your neck.
Tight.

It happens every ten years or so.

The fools have gathered in numbers behind closed doors
Knotted two hundred dollar ties and practiced drawls
Fists are lowered with booms onto desks
And penises ride erect against thighs.
This is our time they think.
After years of being outside
We are now inside.

When rats drown they go from quick to heavy
In the tightening of a knot.
In time-lapse they are absorbed by hay and grass.
Like something that fell from a tree.

Meanwhile inside, the whole bunch is beaming
At the thought of their inside-ness.
Name plates.
Polished shiny hard shoes.
Helicopters.
I was right all along
They think
I am right.

The neighbors can’t believe
How many they drove out of the hay.
Shrieking and jumping
At least six feet in the air.
For every one there are usually five
Says a tall pub owner.
That’s the way it is with vermin.
We burn the waterlogged pile of them
Down in the field.
Everyone could leave but it’s an excuse
To smoke, laugh
And talk about the football match.
Was there a shoot out?

The neighbors always help when the rats come.
It goes unsaid.
It’s nice to get out of the house
Says the one with the red bushy beard
From up the road.

It’s been a miserable, wet winter.

Adam McKay is a writer for film and television such as Saturday Night Live, Michael Moore’s The Awful Truth, and the upcoming feature Action News. He has also performed at the Second City in Chicago as well as being a founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade. He currently resides in Garrison, New York.